I need advice please.

[dotty]

I made a connection with a first cousin from my donor dad side about 6 months ago. We stayed messaging. I had a baby and sent him pictures. Neither of us knew how closely related we were. I am a 31 year old female and he is a 66 year old male. Now that my baby is older I have more time to figure this out. Through Dna detectives on Facebook they have enlightened me that this is such a close dna match that he is most likely my Uncle. He has 4 brothers. Only 3 would be possible to be my donor. My match has not been very open since I mentioned that he could be my uncle. I have all of the info I would need to contact these 3 men. My question is who do I contact first? And how? The donors by letter ? One at a time. All at once? The possible half siblings via Facebook ? I am willing to buy a Dna kit for anyone of the brothers or their children who are willing to take it. I’m so close. I have waited one week in between each message to my match. Trying to give him time. Anyway. Any advice would be appreciated.

[wmdoran]

@dotty Wow! Congrats on that discovery. Similar situations occur if you matched a half-sibling and it might say ‘grandfather’/’grandmother’ because the % shared is the same. Here is a good reference link for DNA percentages and what matches they could be: https://customercare.23andme.com/hc/en-ca/articles/202907170-Average-percent-DNA-shared-between-relatives.

Given the age gap with you and your uncle that makes sense. Was your father a medical student? If so you could go to the medical school and find alumni pictures in yearbooks or the med school hallways and find out which brother of your uncle’s it was using his last name. There also may be family trees online that have all the brothers listed and you could do searches on each of them and try to narrow it down. If I were you I think I would write each of them all at once, but individually, not as a group. Be open and honest about who you are, your intentions, desires, what led you to them, and a little bit about yourself. Tell them you would like to know your family and open to any relationships as well as appreciating any family history they will share. I hope for your sake they are warm and loving and welcome you with open arms. I have had both in my situation; rejection by my father/siblings but open arms with cousins.

I would recommend writing them a hand-written letter and sending snail mail with pictures and email/phone if you can find their addresses. Leave off your return address. In my case my half-brother made death threats and my paternal family members turned out to have mental problems. In a bad case like that discretion is your friend. You also want to be open enough to build trust. It’s really your call how you approach them, just be careful and try to stay optimistic. Provide them an email address to contact you. If you choose to contact via email consider making an anonymous email account that is not your personal one you use daily to protect yourself.

I would offer the DNA test like you said but also be clear you have found them through a confirmed DNA match with your uncle. You could consider contacting half-siblings through Facebook, but often Facebook messages goes to the ‘Other’ inbox and they’ll never see it. If you can find them through other social media sites that maybe be more successful. I would consider waiting to contact them until you make attempts and hear back from your father. If you don’t hear anything then reach out to possible half-siblings. You don’t want to give them false information if you don’t have to, but if one of the men comes forward then you can contact the half-siblings (their ‘natural’ kids) more confidently and thoughtfully.

Anyways, hope that helps and good job! I saw on your profile you have not yet tested on 23andMe.com…you should! It’s the largest DNA database out there. You can also download your raw DNA and upload to the free GEDmatch.com. Buy your 23andMe test through a DonorChildren link to help support this free site at no extra cost! You should be on all the sites available to make yourself available to matches wherever they may be.

Keep us in the loop on your story and thanks for sharing!!

[dotty]

Well I heard back from my Uncle-Match (lol) and he connected me with one of his brothers. He is not the donor. So we are at least getting somewhere. They are both helpful and I’m sure will help me figure out which of the remaining 2 it is. I think they are accepting me as a niece now. or some form of relative. we plan to meet in person soon! I will definitely buy through this site when the time comes. Which test should I get for a possible father or half sibling?

[wmdoran]

That’s awesome to hear. You can have him (when you narrow him down) test on 23andMe.com for $99. That will confirm your match. I bought a test for a 1st cousin once removed. What I did was create a profile for her with her email address and bought a test that way and had it shipped to my house. Then I send the kit to her in the mail for her to spit and send it back to 23andMe in the pre-paid box. I think I needed her address and email to do that. If he doesn’t want to give you that you could just offer to pay for it and figure it out another way. Hope that helps.

[dotty]

I have not heard back from either of the 2 remaining brothers but I am happy to have narrowed my search down to 2.

[dotty]

update: donor wants nothing to do with me, but the rest of the family seems open. I am in contact with a half sister. It seems crazy that I have ended my search. Crazy good.

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