[yfactor]

Generalizing is never easy, but that in most cases ‘father’ is thought to be a purely biological relationship does not seem to be correct. Several people talk about ‘biological father’ not just ‘father’, why would they add biological, when the think of father as a purely biological thing? Also not only Maureenky, but me too do absolutely not define father in a biological way.

[yfactor]

1. No contact. While we are connected (he helped my parents, we share DNA), I do not feel any need/longing to have contact.
2. (sperm) donor. For me this nicely fits with his role in my life.
3. My mother was married with a man, my father. During primary school, my parents divorced. To others I refer to him as my father. Sometimes in case of discussions about DC, I say social father to make it more clear. When talking to my father, I say Pa (Dutch for Dad). When talking about my mother I also use a different term than the term I use talking to her.

[yfactor]

That’s what I call crazy. Yes in some countries a donor may win the legal battle, in the USA they discriminate between clinic/non-clinic donations. If he wins the children will then have contact during a number of years. But one day they’ve grown up and will learn how the donor broke his promise to attack the parents. The article also mentions how parents can avoid this mess: by using an anonymous sperm donor via a clinic. Legal battles would push towards more anonymous donations, without any contact at all.

This is in sharp contrast to making an effort to have contact, which in this case would be good, by communication with the parents.
Anyway, while we disagree about many things, I do hope you do agree that it would be better if matters can be settled outside of court.

[yfactor]

@wmdoran, you have a wild imagination. I did never suggest he should have no contact, please read more carefully. I think he should have contact, in a healthy way. But I do oppose your idea of preparing for a legal battle, because how do you think that would affect children?
That’s something which we can not predict with 100% certainty, but we should try to think about the interest of the children. It’s not only about what the adults want.

[yfactor]

Building a case to obtain parental rights?!? Preparing for legal battle, probably a nasty one. Doesn’t sound like that’s what children need.

Well you don’t know me @wmdoran. I made more long-term decisions when I was young, even at the end of primary school. Maybe that’s in my genes 🙂 I also wasn’t hit by the news and due to chronological order becoming spermdonor couldn’t be a reaction. In the past people believed total secrecy was best for the child, then known donors didn’t make sense. While I disagree with that idea, it wasn’t a lack of altruism.

Preparing for a legal battle for a child that belongs to another family, that would be a lack of altruism. So @ellssjay, I hope your not suggesting your boyfriend to go into that direction.

[yfactor]

It’s not just odd, it’s insane. Your boyfriend is being used and lets it happen. But as girlfriend you’re also being affected, emotionally and now also financially. New kid is on the way, probably they expect a third of the costs covered for him too. You also have a right to say something about it. I think he needs to hear the truth: what’s happening and what is likely to happen if he doesn’t change what he does. He may need a support group later, but he needs a wake-up call now I believe.

(At the age of 17 I decided it, heard about my DC background less than 2 weeks later, became donor at the age of 18. The profile makes clear they’re welcome if they want to contact. But to keep on topic here, better stop or move this discussion.)

[yfactor]

Yeah we come from different places. If the genetic father becomes a threat to the family, it’s logical he wants to protect it. However, this does not have to happen. Both are in a way the father, one social/legal and the other genetic. A donor conceived should not have to choose one of them, but should be raised by the social parents and free to have contact with the donor. The boyfriend of @ellssjay seems to have problems accepting the structure he helped to create, with hindsight it would have been better that he would have said no. But I tried to give a practical advise based on the facts as they are. @ellsjay, I hope it can be helpful. In my case I decided to become donor before I knew being DC myself, so your theory doesn’t hold for me. And if I’m honest, I just don’t have any longing to find out. Not all DC feel like you, not all feel like me. Just like non-DC we’re humans who differ from one another. While I do think about ‘my’ DC from time to time and hope the best for them, I am at peace with them having a choice yes/no to contact. As donor you have to able to accept both options. That’s what goes wrong here, with the donor getting too close.

[yfactor]

I’m not in favor of anything extreme in this matter. Being too close causes damage to the donor in this case, but would probably cause problems for the new family too. I’m not suggesting to cut off communication at all, but to reduce it now to prevent it from being broken. Also not all donor conceived want contact with their donor (I’m not interested in having contact with the guy who helped my parents). Donor conceived should have a choice, which requires being open to what they want in the future. As donor I’m open for contact, but I let them decide to invite me into their lives or not. Causing problems in the relation of a friend and forcing intensive contact is not in the interest of the children. How empathetic are you if you do that?

[yfactor]

Sending daily pictures to a friend sounds extreme, giving the boy the name of the donor too. It also doesn’t help in keeping a healthy distance, since they are their children in a social/legal way. Realizing this and making this clear is crucial. Being open about who the donor is to the children is also crucial. So that makes it more complex with helping people you know. While certain things may help, such as talking to certain people (close friends, professionals), first thing to do I would think is reducing damage. To stop daily pictures and to make sure the boy gets another name seem obvious to me. A healthy distance has to be restored ASAP. (To @wmdoran: while I disagree with the idea that kids having to be raised by their genetic parents, I do believe the children should know the truth and be able to have contact with their donor.)

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