advice needed before persuing donor conception…

[Josie13]

Hello,
My husband and I have been trying to concieve for 4 years. We have been considering using donor embryos to build our family. We would like to be able to ask questions and receive advice from donor concieved people on this option. We both feel that it is a tremendous step and want to be prepared in all ways possible. If you are interested in a dialog, please reach out.
Thanks!

[Admin]

Here is a good article to give some thoughts for you to chew on: http://america.aljazeera.com/opinions/2015/11/deadbeat-donors.html

[wmdoran]

Hi Josie,

I am ‘donor’ conceived. I found out at 25 the truth of my conception that my mom went to a university and paid $50 a pop to make me from a man who paid his way through medical school with his sperm. The word ‘donor’ doesn’t sit well with me. In fact, most the INDUSTRY is purely for profit and anonymity is for the convenience of intended parents and the ‘donors’ making a killing off selling their children. Thankfully through DNA and the Internet I found my father and likely have over 500 siblings I’ll never be able to know. My human rights were stripped from me at my conception and I continually feel like I am the object my parents bought. Before I found my family I struggled a lot with my identity and spend countless hours and dollars to find them. Since finding them I have had to deal with the rejection of my family but at least I know who they are and why I am the way I am. We are more similar than the social dad that raised me and his family. Genetics are powerful. We are naturally supposed to be raise in our biological family. Trading your loss of children with your husband for adopted children with 3rd parties. The same loss you two may feel in your inability to conceive and procreate you will be passing onto your child in the void/loss of their family/identity, health information (always changing in family), and right to know their ethnic heritage, siblings, parent, grandparents, aunts, uncles… Another thing to consider is the child may feel like a purchased object. By buying embryos you are supporting a HUGE multi-billion dollar profitable and unregulated industry trafficking humans. Some people out there have coined the embryos as ‘Snowflake’ babies. As a DCP I find that phrase offensive, but beyond that you would be support the murder of frozen embryos as their siblings are likely left behind to be sold to other families or thrown in the trash.

I hope that helps give you perspective. My obvious advice is to NOT DO IT. If it didn’t matter others and I wouldn’t care. Being told late in life would not have changed my struggles and how I feel. It would have only made the damage to relationships less severe. Liken it to cheating on your spouse and not telling him for 20 years. There’s never a good time to tell someone that you betrayed them.

I encourage you to consider foster care and/or foster to adopt. There are so many children without homes and often unable to even be placed due to lack of foster homes. They are like the old dogs in the pound nobody wants and that might have past trauma and issues that will be difficult…but they need love. Always fight for OPEN records not court sealed and respect the child’s right to WHO THEY ARE. Don’t just put them in a box of WHAT YOU WANT THEM TO BE…they will never be that and the pressure to be that will be detrimental to their well-being.

Thanks for posting and being open to input from others so you are making an INFORMED decision…you are ahead of 99% of the rest! And thanks for listening to me.

[Josie13]

Thank you so much for the honesty in your response. To clarify my husband and I are interested in embryo donation which is when couples who have undergone ivf have left over embryos from their treatment. Our infertility is due to male factor so sperm donation has been suggested. But that is not something we are comfortable with for all the reasons you mentioned. I believe that genetics do play a crucial role in a persons life and to deny that is ridiculous to me. Unfortunately, traditional adoption is so expensive that it would take us years to save (but we are still considering that option). If we decide to move forward with embryo donation the child would be brought up knowing that we were not their genetic parents and I would only want to do an semi open donation (where the genetic parents would be open to contact with that child). Do you feel that in this case it is different from pure donation? Infertility is so hard that I can understand why people choose to use sperm and egg donors but i grapple with the implications of what the effects on a person concieved this way could possibly have. With embryo donation there would not be tons of half siblings and these embryos are already created. Do you think that would have made a difference to you as a “donor concieve” individual? The thought of a child of mine feeling that they did not have an identity or that we bought them isn’t a risk I believe I can take. Again, thank you and any other feedback is totally welcomed!

[wmdoran]

@Josie13 Thanks for your questions! My response to your questions includes my personal responses below:

Should I choose adopted embryos as a cheaper alternative to adoption?
– There is a chance the child may not like that they were bought. I know I don’t like that I was bought. The child will essentially be fully-adopted. There are lots of complications an adoptee has to deal with in life largely to dealing with abandonment, identity, feeling odd/different (duh), and many other issues that can and do arise often. I would recommend considering the foster to adopt option in your local area as there are so many children without homes stuck in the system and not enough foster parents out there for placements. You have to have an open mind that your heart is in service to the CHILD’S best interest and that may mean the child returns to their biological family. In the case that does not happen and parental rights are terminated you could opt to adopt if the state sees it as a good fit. In any adoption case I strongly advocate that records are not court sealed or denied the child. I even go as far to advocate that adoptees names are not changed so family trees are not falsified through birth certificates. Consider being a legal guardian. All the same legal benefits of an adoption without the falsification. Don’t expect the child to fill your void of not having your own children with your husband, nothing can ever fill that void! And a child is not supposed to serve that purpose in life to make their parents happy like a puppy.

– Do you support 3rd party reproduction? Do you understand what that is? See this site for a quick reference to what it actually is: http://reproductivetrafficking.org/
By using an anonymous embryo ‘donor’ you are inadvertently supporting the clinics that practice 3rd party reproduction. Do you support abortion, human trafficking, eugenics, broken kinship bonds, and intentional health risks/harm to other human beings. Those are questions to ask.

– Assuming that there are not many siblings with an embryo ‘donation’ is a fallacy. There are many ways embryos are made. Often clinics will create pre-made embryos from ‘donated’ sperm/eggs to be available for sale packaged kind of like a Papa Murphy’s take and bake pizza. So you can see if the embryo is made of ‘donated’ sperm/eggs their sibling count could be endless. Not to mention what if either of the parents clinic hopped to make more money. Whatever you do DON’T TRUST THE CLINICS. Don’t even give them your sperm/eggs. There are the cases a couple abandons embryos after having successful conceptions. Do you want to fund and support those abandonments? Even if there is ONE sibling out in the world they will never know THAT IS TRAGIC for the offspring. Shouldn’t they have more rights than just ‘semi-open’ with their biological parents? What does that actually mean when they turn 18? What about the first, formidable 18 years? What about the relationships with their father, mother, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents? You can see all the complications and losses an offspring faces.

I share all these out of my own personal experience and after witnessing hundreds of other similar stories in my time and work in the 3rd party reproduction world including this site. I am ‘donor’ conceived and it sucks. I know many adoptees feel the same loss of identity, family, and feel less than human being abandoned and then pressured to fit the mold of their adopted parents for their personal pleasure.

I hope that helps give you perspective. Thanks for listening. I am sorry that you and your husband might be infertile due to his sperm. I can only say that suffering in this world can be a beautiful thing if you embrace it and that 3rd party reproduction is not an end to your suffering but an extension and escalation of it. You are by far ahead of 95% of intended parents considering these options by the fact that you took time to think, empathize, and ask the questions. I am confident you will make the right decision.

Feel free to write anytime.

[Author]

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