I'm a biological mother that used an anonymous sperm donor.

[cchipps]

I’m determined to continue to start topics until I can get participation in the discussion boards. This is the only way we are going to get to know each other and find common ground.

My daughter is almost 26. She has only known since she was 18 because I promised my husband (social father) I wouldn’t tell. When she turned 18 I weighed my promise to him not to tell against her knowing in adulthood and decided it was her right to know since she would be an adult much longer than any control I had over her.
My only regret is I didn’t tell her sooner.
She handled the news great but I discovered when I told her that she thought something was wrong with herself psychologically (all those years prior) because she could never really connect with “dad.” Telling her released this idea that there was something wrong with her and she has since blossomed.
My latest set of issues has been how dismissive she can be with me and her social dad. I sometimes feel she is someone I don’t know, yet when we do get together we seem to be great.
Can anyone else relate?

[Kisha921]

I am just starting out in the game of having a donor conceived child (she’s 3) but I just wanted to reach out to you to let you know that “someone” is reading your posts. 🙂 Thanks!

[cchipps]

Thanks for letting me know. I think dialog between all the members in the donor conception community is important even if it becomes heated at times. I used to be one of the moms that thought some of the adult donor conceived were somewhat outrageous with their comments and thoughts. I am now one of their greatest supporters. Everyone deserves the right to know who you are related to, medically and genetically. I would be very happy if anonymity was banned and disclosure mandatory. It took me a while to come to this stance but it was because I read as much as I could from every point of view.

[StillThinking]

I’m the Mom of a son conceived with donor egg and donor sperm. We’ll be telling him all along about the wonderful people who gave us what we needed to help us have him.

My sister was adopted and didn’t know for a long time and it wasn’t the best choice.

[momx2]

I am a single mom of two daughters conceived with donor sperm. I have always been honest with my daughters about how I came to have them, and I consider myself blessed that they have always been accepting of that. My older daughter, who is now a teen, is curious about her donor and possible siblings. I have always told her that I am not allowed to look for her donor, but that of course I would support her looking when the time comes. Apparently, the time for her is now. She has not found any matches yet (Donor 19DMB), but she did come across a sibling match for my younger daughter (57VBE). I was able to contact the other mom and we have exchanged pictures. Anyway, in our case being open and honest has been the best for our family. I imagine it doesn’t always work out that way, but it certainly can!

[Admin]

@chall It may be a coincidence but we have a new member @E19DMB that could possibly be related? She states she is from Aberdeen Assisted Conception Unit. If you two are a match please post on the Success Stories page!

http://www.DonorChildren.com/groups/success-stories/

[momx2]

Thank you, Admin. I wish it was a match, but I went through the Fertility Center of CA, San Diego. What a coincidence that there would be an almost identical donor number at another facility! Thanks for the heads up, though!

[Admin]

@chall You’re welcome! Actually her profile states she is in San Diego. I suspect @E19DMB might have made a wrong clinic/bank selection by mistake. You should try messaging her and see. 😉

The fact that she’s in your same town with the same Donor ID seems like too much a coincidence…

[Lockwood]

I told my daughter how she was conceived from the very start, gave her the info in little bits to ensure that she could cope with the informaton. By the time she was seven, she had a full understanding. My only regret in the whole process has been to not get a name or photograph of the donor (he would have been willing). I have found a few tricky moments when asked what her dads name was in the early days. She’s nine now. I know she has three donor siblings within 18 months of her age but have no links with the organisation since it closed down. Unable to find a site in the UK like this one. Hopefully more from the UK start to become members.

[brcret]

I am the biological mother of a DC daughter. The donor was anonymous and I have very little information about him. My daughter is now 30 and would like to find out if she has half-siblings. She has always known how she was conceived. I am a single mother by choice, and the biggest issue for my daughter has not been the way she was conceived but having to explain (even as a small child) why she didn’t have a dad. There were times I wished I had lied to her and told her that her died before she was born, that he had no family, etc. It would have made her life easier as a child but would have involved the revelation of the lie at some point. There are no easy answers.

[DonnaLW]

I am the biological mother of a DC daughter and a son. At the time of AI my husband & I decided not to tell the children until later – never setting a time/date/year to tell them. Then my husband & I ended up getting divorced – in the process my husband told my son (21 at that time) who then told my daughter (23 yrs old then). At the time of the AI there was no counseling done, very little advise given, very little information regarding the sperm donor, n medical history, not told what sperm bank was used. I didn’t realize how important all this information would be for my daughter & son. Now I am going to work diligently to try to find out any information I can to track down either the donor (or at least medical information on the donor) and possible DC siblings for my daughter (now 37) & son (now 35). I am very, very new at this. So…ANY help I can get from anyone would be greatly appreciated. 1st & foremost is how to go about getting DNA and where/how to get it posted on sites to find matches?
The only information I have is the Doc who did the AI (Dr Ralph Donald Eward in Grand Rapids MI), His office is closed, he is deceased and I don’t know if there are any records in existence from that time period. Everything was anonymous, I don’t record any digital record keeping at that time – think it was all paper files and who knows where they are if they haven’t been destroyed!

Any advise-guidance would be appreciated.
Donna

[cchipps]

Hi Donna,

My daughter, now 27, and I have been searching for over 9 years. I only told her when she turned 18 but like you and others with older donor conceived children we were told to keep it a secret and with the sometimes insistance of our husbands we did. I always wanted her to know and told her the day after her birthday.
I would suggest you, your daughter and your son get your DNA tested. The tests are cheaper than they used to be but $99/kit adds up quickly. You can look for sales and it is suggested you test at all three major DNA banks, 23andMe, Ancestry and FamilyTreeDNA. We did 23andMe first and we were happy with them but many of the people there only did it for health test results when they were offered and want no further contact with others. My suggestion is to choose Ancestry first, then you can upload your raw dna to FamilyTreeDNA for $39 (versus the $99) and upload to GEDmatch for free. At GEDmatch you will find matches from all three companies but only from others that have uploaded their kits. You can get on all the sites and join their forums and for whatever DNA testing site you haven’t paid for ask people who are donor conceived to upload their results to GEDmatch if they haven’t already. The thing to keep in mind is it might not be a 1/2 sibling or the donor that has tested but you may find close and distant relatives of the donor and through genealogy discover who the donor is. Some people are lucky right away but I suspect most have to do some digging. We haven’t struck gold yet but have found 3-4th cousins on the donor’s maternal and paternal sides that are very experienced genealogists and have bent over backwards to help us. DNA testing is becoming less and less expensive and more and more people are utilizing it so even if it takes a few years it will be well worth the wait. I wish I had chosen to do this sooner. (PS – the picture is my daughter, I’m in my 60’s).

Hope this information helps.

Chris

[wmdoran]

@dlweerstra Thanks for commenting. Like your kids, I was conceived at a University Medical Center. The doctor died 2 years ago and he supposedly kept all the files and burned them 7 years ago with the onset of Alzheimer’s. I tested on 23andMe and found a 3rd to 4th cousin paternal match that led to me finding my father. I would be happy to give some support to your kids. Have them join here and contact me and I could be available if they need. I have been through the whole gambit. I found out I likely have over 500 siblings…it is heart breaking I will never find them all and my kids could be affected. I care about all my siblings out there, I wish I could know them all. It is really horrific being ‘donor’ conceived. My father lost his medical license and spent time in prison. My two half-siblings (his ‘natural’ kids) rejected me. My story really has been a can of worms BUT I DO NOT REGRET ANYTHING. I’m glad I know and tried contacting at least. Now I have all my family heritage history. Of course health history changes over a lifetime. Buy DNA tests through the links listed on this page: http://www.DonorChildren.com/Resources. You will support this site free of charge to you by doing so. Like @cchipps said also load data up to GedMatch.com. When I did it I purchased 23andMe first and download raw data and uploaded to FTDNA for a reduced price but look into it tests may have changed. Each child should test at all 3 sites. You also should test on 23andMe as it will match you to them and they can filter out any maternal relative matches which will speed up their search to finding their father. I think it’s good you are reaching out. I found out the truth of my conception at the age of 25. It really sucks not knowing who your father is, being removed from your heritage, grand parents, uncles, aunts, half-siblings, etc…it is really dehumanizing and will likely create trust and anger issues with you and your kids. Time will help, but this will stick with them their entire lives. Try to be open, supportive, understanding, and if you can humble. Good luck and let me know if I can help any more. I hope I didn’t discourage you, I am about honesty over deceit but sometimes truth is hard to hear.

M@

[wmdoran]

@dlweerstra I am responding to your profile update you posted that I saw on my activity feed. You wrote:

“OK still have questions regarding how to get the DNA testing done. Do I need to register my son & daughter on donorchildren.com and then order a kit for each of them after I register them? How does the kit work – do they send me directions then we have to send the information back to them and then they down load the results on various sites? Or do I upload it somehow to varios sites? Just don’t know how to start or if I can do it al on my log on on donorchilden? Should I also register each of them on the Donor Sibling web site & would I be able to get the DNA results onto that site as well? Just so confused and technically challeneged!”

Anyone can click on the links on DonorChildren and buy tests there, not necessary to first register on DonorChildren. DonorChildren gets paid if you buy through their links at no extra cost to you. However, if your kids want to register they should and connect with others! The sites you purchase DNA tests from will send you a kit in the mail with a pre-labeled shipping box to return your DNA sample. There are instructions with the package so you will figure it out. By joining DonorChildren you and your kids can post about your ‘donor’ on your Profile, by creating Groups, and connect to others from the same Clinic to make connections faster. Don’t waste your money on the Donor Sibling Registry. Half the people on their you can’t contact cause they haven’t kept up as paying members. The data you enter on DonorChildren will be searchable online just like on the DSR but this site is free and people are sure to join since it does not cost them a dime. Feel free to comment back if you have any more questions!

[wmdoran]

@Dlweerstra To answer another question you asked that I missed in my last comment…the DNA sites will put your DNA on their own database for life. You can download your Raw Data from 23andMe and upload for free to GedMatch.com as well if you want to be there too. Hope that makes sense.

[Author]

Posts